In any relationship the “need to talk” comes up, as it should. Friends want to talk about a list of things, siblings, possibly the same list with a couple of tweaks, and bosses, a somewhat different list. Your intimate relationships can sometimes have the scariest or most joyous talks of all. Sometimes you may feel dread when your romantic partner says, “I need to talk,” “we need to talk,” or “let’s talk.” But if you believe things have been going well then you may feel excited, ecstatic, or even a bit nervous.
Whatever the situation is, there are some definite dos and don’ts to help make the conversation more meaningful. I’m going to start with some don’ts.
Don’t agree to a request to talk and then plan out everything you want to say. Sure, maybe you too have been needing to talk and you are obviously part of the conversation, but it isn’t your conversation to control, so respect the asker. It makes perfect sense for you to respond and make points, but they have to be relevant to what your partner is in need of talking about. And I mean actually relevant; not you trying to find small holes in the conversation so you can turn it around and push your agenda. And don’t decide ahead of time what the person wants to talk about because you most definitely start planning out everything you want to say.
Don’t tell the person, “I know how you feel”. This is a hard one. We all like to compare our feelings to each other — that’s one way we relate and understand one another. Some of us go as far as competing, so that their feelings are the best, the worst, the whatever. When someone stubs their toe most of us cringe a bit. I mean who hasn’t stubbed their toe? But when you stub your toe the way it feels to you is narrated by your experiences. Have you broken that toe before? Were you with your girlfriend who just broke up with you the last time you stubbed your toe? Did you stub your toe every time you went to your grandmother’s house on her favorite chair? So when you say “I know how you feel,” you are not allowing them to tell their story, to really tell you how they feel.
Don’t belittle someone’s feelings just because you don’t think it’s a big deal. If your partner comes to you with something about themselves that, for whatever reason they have kept hidden from the world, and you say, “That’s no big whoop,” or “I don’t care about that,” you may not get the sigh of relief you were expecting. Your intention may be to put them at ease, but you are really telling them that their feelings, their hurt, their fears aren’t real — or that they don’t matter. This is clearly not the message you want to send to someone who has racked up the courage to confide in you.
And my last don’t for today: Don’t make this conversation about you. Even if you’re involved this conversation, it’s about your partner. If you want to have a conversation about yourself, ask for it.
If you need a little help with a conversation, or you want to bounce things off a neutral party, you know how to find me.
Nathalie