You’ve made a list of your yes, no, maybe’s and now you need to specify what your boundaries are within those “yes” activities!
First and foremost you need a safe word. A word that means “no”, but is a far away from “no” as you can get, like giraffe. It needs to be something that you wouldn’t normally say during a sexual encounter. Some people use red, yellow, green (stop, proceed with caution, go, go, go), but I worry that those words may be too familiar. Whatever word/s you choose, they need to be memorable and clear. If some of your activities involve you are your partner being gagged or in some way unable to speak then a physical safe word needs to be established as well.
Now, I find it is much easier to talk about limits when you use examples so. . . Let’s say “yes” to spanking. Some people with a bit more experience would call that impact play, which encompasses things beyond the hands — like paddles, floggers, whips, and many other things that you can whack someone with. If you are a novice you may say yes, please spank me and not realize that sometimes spankings can get downright intense. So where do your limits fall within the realm of spanking? It would probably be prudent for the novice to put spanking in a soft limit category and maybe whips in the hard limit category (for now or possibly forever — only time will tell). Putting an activity in the soft limit category means that you want to try something but are unsure about it. You could think of it as a yellow light activity. The doer in this situation needs to be clear about this soft limit and proceed with caution. They need to check in more often, ask more questions about intensity: Would you like it harder? Do you need a break?
Whenever you are exploring a new activity it’s a great idea to put it in the soft limit category so that you and your partner can work out the kinks (ha ha!). It is very freeing to have so much confidence in your partner and in the activity that you can allow yourself to get swept up into it, but that confidence must be built. It takes time, practice, communication, and education. It is also 100% okay if an activity always remains in the soft limit category.
Now, hard limits: they basically mean “no”. But hold on a minute because no can mean never as in, I will never have anal sex. But, it can also be applied to “yes” activities. Let’s put anal sex in the “yes” column and apply a hard limit- Jack will have anal sex, but ONLY when he is completely sober. This tells Jack’s partner that if Jack has a drink or some other substance, they aren’t getting or giving any anal tonight.
In expressing and respecting these limits you can have far more enjoyable experiences. You are creating a safe space in the bedroom, allowing you and your partner to be more vulnerable with each other, which will intensify your sex life and relationship.
Want to clarify your limits? Let’s talk.
Nathalie