A great way to maintain clear boundaries in your relationships is to have a “Yes, No, Maybe” list. And having more than one, for different elements of your relationship is even better. Often times people use it for sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! Getting together with your sexual partner/s and making this list can open up a conversation about what kind of sex life you want to have together- and of course, what you are willing and not willing to do.
You don’t have to be in a relationship to start your lists. In fact, being thoughtful about these questions when you are single can help you navigate the pool a little better. Starting one is easy. Just take out a sheet of paper, or use you computer, and make a table with 3 columns. Yes, you guessed it, label your columns Yes, No, Maybe.
The first few items in each column may be easy. You probably know some basic “things” you want to do and some things you don’t, etc. Over time, as you learn more about sex (don’t ever think you know it all or are thinking of everything that could ever come up!) you will most likely add to these columns. You may also have the opportunity to put some of your Maybe’s in the Yes or No column. And who knows you maybe move a No into the Maybe and then into the Yes, Yes, Yes column.
And that’s an important factor about this list: Know that you will explore and grow. While deciding, for now, what goes where, keep in mind mind that a No today may become a Yes in the future. What matters is that your boundaries are clear and that they are respected, always. A partner that badgers you about putting things in a maybe column because they may want to do something that you don’t is not playing fair and is absolutely not respecting your boundaries. Sharing your list with your partner — and hopefully they will share theirs with you — can help you feel more confident about the experiences you will have together and where those cheeky fingers may or may not end up.
Need a little help with your list? Let’s talk!
Nathalie