Good relationship question: Why are you doing this?
Many people seek out relationships as a matter of course, with no thoughts to what they are looking for and what they hope to gain. I’ve talked about this urge before: You know, that sort of blind romanticism. But here is an even more mysterious question: What are relationships for? In other words why bother?
Regardless of your answer, take some real one on one time with yourself and work this out. Hint: There is no correct answer.
Biology would have us believe that intimate relationships are for baby-making and child-rearing. Aristotle, on the other hand, would argue that friendships are for the encouragement and betterment of ourselves, which of course, then ripples out making the community better. Notice I said friendship and not lovership. Back in Aristotle’s day, in Athens, friendships often included the privileges of sex and marriage was for “official” baby-making (having to do with property and citizenship). I am not saying there weren’t great friendships in marriage, but you could say that, in light of the Athenian culture, Aristotle would have encouraged rational and deliberate bonobo behavior.
So where does that leave us mere mortals? Each specific relationship you have has particular qualities that are formed based on who you are in a relationship with (and who you are!). And the original motivation for seeking out a relationship with this particular person may not end up being the motivation for continuing. Remember: People are not fixed and permanent, and therefore relationships can’t be either. Knowing why you want to be in this kind of relationship rather than something else, clarifying what you expect to gain from this relationship, will help you attain and be happy in that relationship — which means a lot less head-butting and way more of what you want. Contractual-esk relationships can seem stiff and inorganic, but if you know why you want to be in a certain kind of relationship and what you want that relationship for, then it is going to make it a whole lot easier for you to achieve that kind of relationship.
Need someone to bounce some ideas off of? You know how to find me.
Nathalie
PS. If you want to know more about Aristotle, I know a philosopher who knows Aristotle up close.