“So, have you been on any holidays recently.”
“Yes, my husband died and everybody’s sent me to Coventry, like everybody’s trying to avoid me.”
“They all ask about you.”
“Well, yes, they ask you about me, they don’t ask me about me.”
“You know what they are like, they’re embarrassed.”
Sal and Tip, Series 1, Episode 1, Clatterford (Jam and Jerusalem, UK) BBC, Saunders and French Production, BBC America 2006
Whether someone dies or people just break up, the end of a relationship has all sorts of baggage. And people deal with that loss in all sorts of ways, including the friends you’ve made along the way.
Often times friends and even family don’t know how to respond to a griever. Condolences and hugs are easy to dish out and can fill that awkward silence. If you’re a friend to a newly single person, remember that what people don’t want to loose is their sense of self. Consider Sal, whose husband just died: She wants to be treated like Sal, not a fragile figurine that should be placed on a shelf to grow old and moldy.
“I know people tend to drop out. . .” (Kate, same episode) because they don’t know how to behave around someone who is going through a loss. It definitely can be awkward. Is it okay to laugh in front of them, enjoy life, kiss your spouse? The answer is, yes! Life is constantly moving forward, and you can’t stop it — especially for another person. Mourners should be given the time and space they need to mourn, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to keep living or be forgotten. Watching others be happy can be infectious. How many times have you started laughing watching someone else start laughing?
The next time you are having an event, please consider inviting your friends — all of them. It doesn’t matter that everyone else may be coupled up. Give your friend/s the opportunity to say no thank you if they don’t want to come (for whatever reason). Don’t take that decision from them by deciding for them. And DON”T feel like you need to bring in some new guy or gal to make it even. At some point that may be fun for them, but let them just be single.
Being alone after being with someone, especially if that relationship was a lifetime, takes getting used to. There is so much work involved in undoing habits, including many you may not want to undo. But, to keep living, you have to, and that means, when you’re ready, going to events, dinners, parties, bridge night, the grocery store, bed alone. It is a skill that has to be incorporated into life so that you can regain the self that was recently a couple. You can help by giving your newly single friends not just (empty) space but also encouragement to learn how to do that. How you ask? An easy way is not to exclude them — even if you think it’s for “their own good.” Invite your newly single friends to be themselves and give them the choice to attend.
Nathalie