I recently heard a panel discussion on open relationships. The discussion ranged from “relationship orientation” to unicorns, and while there were bits and pieces of the discussion that were extremely relevant to our time of loving in the era of covid-19, one topic struck me much more significantly.
I like to think of myself has a fairly aware person, but if you have never experienced something then it can be difficult for you to see it. The topic came up about people of color in the polyamory and other open relationship lifestyle communities. There is a difference in that many women of many colors fall into the trap of being fetishized, but apparently there are quite a few problems with black men being taken seriously. They are often fetishized and seen as tokens or trophies.
Now, don’t get me wrong — some people love being fetishized and objectified, and there are always people around to do that fetishizing and objectifying. But, a lot of people just want to be loved, be it emotionally and/or physically. I’m not saying love in a color-blind way. I don’t believe in being color-blind. Our skin tones and colors are a big part of our heritage, culture, and narrative. They are a huge part of our identities and therefore must be acknowledged.
It is not wrong to think of the color of someone’s skin as beautiful or even sexy, and while outward appearance adds to a person’s attractiveness, there are so many more features of a human being- many of which we cannot see or experience until we get to know them. Unless you are in a safe space where you are with people who want to be judged by the color of their skin for the sake of sex play, unwanted judgement devalues the individual in front of you. It is not fair to them, and frankly, it’s racist.
In one of the porn documentaries I watched several years ago, I was taken aback because a particular porn actor, who happened to be black man, was only ever cast as BBC or a rapist or violator in some sense. He was on his way out of the industry because he could not play those characters and portray black men in that way anymore.
In the age of the Black Lives Matter, movement let’s keep doing the work that needs to be done end racism in all sectors of life.